


Macabre Flora- He Couldn't Breathe

by Theclocksays7



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unrequited Love, magical love mishaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-26
Updated: 2018-04-26
Packaged: 2019-04-28 01:14:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14438280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theclocksays7/pseuds/Theclocksays7
Summary: The flowers blooming in in Merlin's insides can only mean one thing- unrequited love. It wasn't his first love, but his (admittedly somewhat lacking) experience had never prepared him for this. Suffocating on the petals and blooms of unfamiliar plants he didn't recognize as they rose in his throat at one thought of his King. Sweet daydreams turning into walking nightmares as he tried his best to hide this from the one person he knew in his heart he shouldn't be lying to. For the first time in a long time, his magic couldn't solve anything. This love was going to kill him."You made flowers grow in my lungs, and although they are beautiful, I cannot breathe..."





	Macabre Flora- He Couldn't Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this with a very small but very influential amount of motivation, so currently it only has this single chapter. If this chapter receives a decent-enough response, I might consider writing more. I guess it's a little more angsty than I had originally planned, so there's that. Anyway, don't forget to kudos and comment if you enjoyed. It refills my rapidly draining life force and encourages me to write more in the future. Also, one more thing- I tried my best to look this over before publishing, but I can only look at the same work so many times without losing respect for it. Feel free to point out any parts that aren't clear (within reason, I guess).

The first time he’d felt a tickle in his throat, he’d shaken it off. Arthur was at his desk, working on something or other for the kingdom, golden hair accentuated by the fading sunlight filtering into the room through the slightly cracked open window behind him. The sun had begun to set earlier in the day, and the accompanying chill floated through the window with the beams of light illuminating his king with a soft glow. Merlin shivered at the slight chill but gathered the bedding and stuffed it into his basket, laying it against his hip. It was peaceful, but Arthur was a devil with overwork, and he couldn’t afford to get sick now or any time. With his magic, he was sure the cold or whatever it was would fade with sleep and time. Ignoring the curious tightness of his chest, Merlin steadied his basket, images of a soon to come dinner meal wafting through his head. 

“Will that be all for now, sire?” he yawned, already on his way out the door. 

The next time he’d been inconvenienced enough to notice anything was amiss was not many days later, as he oversaw Arthur before going to sleep, as he often did. 

“And my boots will need polishing, and if you could run this by Leon before- well, I didn’t mean to bore you to sleep with your own duties, Merlin, you idiot, were you even listening?” 

Merlin blinked. “Yes, Sire, of course, always am.” 

Arthur nodded at him. “Then you won’t be surprised when I tell you that you have double the work today. I want all of my armor cleaned as well, in time for target practice with the knights tomorrow.” 

Merlin threw an incredulous look at him, holding back a light cough in favor of protest. “Arthur, you can’t be serious! On top of all of these other hunts and events and mundane tasks, how will I find the time to eat or sleep?” 

“I’m sure you can find a way, Merlin. You better start early. Off with you," Arthur said, waving his hand in dismissal as he slid under his covers.. Merlin grumbled in annoyance as Arthur settled in, hair fanning out over the smooth fabric of the pillow, chest rising and falling with each breath. Merlin refrained from stomping all the way over to the king’s desk to gather his documents into a neat pile, sorting them into priority categories and taking what he needed for his assigned work with him, blowing out the candles as he went. He blew out the last by Arthur’s bedside, watching as the extinguished light threw his face into shadows, barely illuminated by the moon peeking through the drawn curtains. Arthur drew in deep breaths, already asleep, no doubt exhausted from all of the stress of running his kingdom that always managed to wear him down just a bit by the end of the day. Merlin sighed. It was hard to be angry with the king while he lied vulnerable and peaceful in front of him. 

Having managed to walk to the doors in the darkness without tripping over anything, Merlin turned back with a small nod of acknowledgement at the king’s sleeping form. “Then,” he said softly, closing the doors behind him. Merlin walked down the halls, attempting to keep his papers in order as he coughed roughly into his elbow, air thin. He shook his head. It must be the lack of sleep getting to him. 

Another day, Merlin stood attaching a saddle firmly onto the king’s horse, a molten caramel- colored stallion named Aurum, that was as proud and determined as Arthur and as fast as the wind, though not quite at the caliber of a dragon. He was warm only to those he deemed worthy, including Arthur, himself, and for whatever reason Gwaine. Arthur had once joked it was because Gwaine looked so much like a horse, which Merlin personally found not true and Gwaine had laughed off, though Merlin knew that had Arthur not been who he was, he would have taken the issue farther. 

The horse was still, only movement a slight shake of his mane under Merlin’s careful hand, checking over the set-up to make sure everything was perfect for their hunt. He was checking on Scelerisque, his beautiful personal chocolate mare, deceivingly small yet reliable, sturdy, and just as fast, when he spied Arthur and Gwen speaking just at the top of the stairs. Sceris let out a soft whinny as Merlin’s motions ceased, watching the two as discreetly as possible from behind her trimmed mane. 

Gwen was wholly good, deserving of the position she had earned, deserving of the love they shared. He watched as Arthur’s face softened, shoulders lowering as the ends of his lips upturned slowly, Gwen’s face leaning in to his outstretched hand as she undoubtedly wished him well on his hunt for sport. Merlin heaved a deep sigh that turned into a raw cough. He noticed a stray petal float to the ground near his feet and wondered where it had come from, the gardens on the other side of the castle. 

A single rounded blue petal. 

[ _blue violet: watchfulness, faithfulness, I’ll always be there_ ] 

While Merlin was staring at the ground, Arthur had approached his horse, swinging one leg over into the saddle as he looked down at his servant. “Well, Merlin, what are you waiting for?” 

“Right,” Merlin exclaimed after a moment, jumping atop his horse as he looked back at the group of accompanying knights and Guinevere standing at the top of the stairs, looking just as soft and worry-free. He caught her eye accidentally. 

_Take care of him_ , she mouthed, crossing her arms pleasantly. 

He nodded at her, and he couldn’t help searching the ground with a quick sweep of his eyes as he wondered where the single petal could have gone. He figured it had either been stomped on or blown away in the wind, both thoughts feeling strangely melancholy to him. Merlin coughed lightly once more before turning back to Arthur, who has been watching him skeptically. 

“Shall we?” 

Merlin had begun to see more flower petals around the castle, and he was increasingly curious as to where they had come from. He’d taken to the garden after the first petal he’d encountered, and found that he didn’t recognize any of the plants from the petals he’d seen. He would have asked Gaius, but all of the petals seemed to disappear whenever he turned his head back to get a second glance. 

[ _yellow tulip: there’s sunshine in your smile_ ] 

[ _narcissus: egotism, stay as sweet as you are_ ] 

[ _lavender heather: admiration, solitude_ ] 

Meanwhile, his cough had gotten significantly worse. It had been so bad that Arthur confronted him about it with a strict face and told him to get some rest, though perhaps not quite in those words. 

“Merlin, how am I supposed to get work done for my kingdom if you are coughing every minute of every hour. What am I supposed to do if you get me sick with a cold or a fever? A weak king is a weak kingdom, no matter the ailment. Go see Gaius and do something about this insufferable condition.” 

“Yes, Sire,” Merlin had responded, secretly glad for some time off, no matter the cause. He’d been feeling increasingly tired and short of breath lately on top of the incessant coughing. As much as he hated to admit it, being around Arthur only seemed to make it worse. 

“Oh, and Merlin?” Arthur called, just as Merlin had been about to walk out the door. “I don’t want you contaminating any of my clothes or food with this cold. I’ll call a maid to do the work until you’ve got yourself in a condition fit to serve a king.” 

“Yes, Sire,” Merlin repeated, doubly glad for the time off. Maybe, if he was away from Arthur for a while, the prat would realize just how valuable he was and give him less work and more time to pursue other things, like helping out Gaius or learning a new spell or visiting his mother in Ealdor. 

He’d taken a nap as soon as he’d returned to his room, resolving to ask Gaius about his cough when he woke, as Gaius had not been around when he'd walked in. 

As he drifted off, the golden light reminded him of a familiar presence, calming him. 

The scenes he was presented with after were much of the same. Warm sunlight, a warmer smile, a presence close to him that he didn’t want to let go. He stretched his arms out on the lush grass as the sounds of the clear brooke babbled in his ears. He looked up as a face got closer and closer and he felt a grin grace his own features as warmth approached his cheek gently, leaning into it. It was warm, so warm it almost felt like it was burning him. He drew back with a gasp, finding the surroundings lit with gold and vermillion flames. 

He shouted his name, _where had he gone_ \- he spotted torn red cloth on a branch for a brief moment before it was reduced simply to embers and then ashes. He followed the trail of raggedly burning red fabric until he came to a sword stuck in the rock, metal so searingly hot it had taken on an orange glow to match the rage surrounding. 

When he finally caught a glimpse of gold, he almost wished he hadn’t as he rushed to his side, tears falling out of his eyes so fast he was almost blinded to the red. The bright ruby color spilled over the rocks and caught fire as it met the tendrils of flame surrounding the scene, framing the gold strands staining them, all color otherwise lost as he wept and wept until he felt like he couldn't breathe. 

He was transported to a large and empty chamber, the edges fuzzy and dark and creeping in as to claim something and a fierce heartbroken protectiveness rose in him until he was throwing out his hand, gold sparking as the shadows were thrown back, petals flurrying into a hurricane among the mist and he could see the look of betrayal on his face. 

_All this time- lies, all those people I trusted and I thought one could at least- you never said- how could you?_ Sadness turning into hatred in those eyes he knew by heart, would recognize anywhere, and they were turned on him and flowers and wholehearted apologies rose in his throat, suffocating him- 

Merlin awoke with a start and recoiled as the flower petals scattered around his head and blanket and he realized he couldn’t breathe, choking on the blooms and tears as he coughed them out. He wanted to scream. What was this? A curse? A spell? His destiny? 

His cruel fate? 

[ _wilted flowers: rejected love_ ] 

[ _red camellia: you’re a flame in my heart_ ] 

[ _marigold: grief, cruelty, jealousy_ ] 

With the first breath he managed to take, which wasn't much, he shouted. “Gaius!” 

He clawed at his throat as if it would help him any, whole flowers spilling out of his mouth, covered in something shiny and red he couldn’t bring himself to look at. 

[ _purple hyacinth: I am sorry, please forgive me, sorrow_ ] 

[ _primrose: I can’t live without you_ ] 

“Gaius!” he shouted again. He felt like he could die. “Gaius!” 

“Yes, Merlin, what is the matter, it is the middle of the night-” Gaius cut off in the middle of his sentence, face paling at Merlin’s state, doubled over and sobbing, petals stuck to his face by tears and the sticky scarlet. 

“Merlin, breathe,” he ushered, taking Merlin’s face in his hands. He’d never seen Merlin like this in the many years that he’d stayed there and it terrified him. Gaius drew circles on his back and in his mind as the young man hacked up the last of the macabre bouquet. He’d never seen anything like this, magic or not. Something about it felt familiar but he couldn’t quite place… 

“Gaius,” Merlin heaved, attempting to wipe his face with Gaius’s help. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and barely there. “What’s wrong with me?” 

“I’ll be right back,” Gaius whispered, gears whirring. He quickly left the rooms and grabbed the things he knew he would need right away; a glass of water and a throat-soothing potion Merlin would undoubtedly require after regurgitating a whole flower garden in his dreams. As he rushed back, as quickly as he could rush given his old age, he wondered if Merlin had known about this or if it was just as new and terrifying to him. Gaius handed Merlin the drink and vial, which he downed with only a slight crinkle in his face as complaint. He already looked much calmer, gathering deep breaths in an attempt to cool down. Gaius returned a few moments later with a few books he faintly recalled reading about the topic in. 

He’d flipped through all of the books, and the last was a leather-bound, very worn and old journal documenting all sorts of strange herbology-related illnesses, diseases, and ailments. Gaius took a deep breath, as this book was his last resort on how to fix Merlin, whose eyes blinked slowly as if he were to fall asleep any minute. After his fit, Gaius was slightly surprised he hadn’t passed out already. 

His old eyes landed on a certain page and his ‘ah-ha!’ stunned Merlin into opening his eyes, blinking drearily and rubbing his throat. “Did you find something?” he asked, barely a whisper. 

“The Hanahaki Disease,” Gaius read aloud, rapidly re-familiarizing himself with the entry in the journal as he did so. “An extremely rare disease in which the victim coughs up flower petals when they suffer from one-sided love. The flowers grow and take root in the victim’s lungs until...” 

Merlin looked at Gaius as if he were about to start crying once more. “That’s ridiculous,” he insisted, coughing as he put too much strain on his voice. “I’m not in love.” 

Gaius cycled through possibilities through his mind, but no matter how he looked at it, he could only reach one conclusion. “I think you are.” 

“With who?” Merlin insisted, glaring at the petals surrounding him, entire blooms falling on the floor as he rustled his blanket. He would have to clean it up after. 

“Arthur.” 

Merely the mention of his name brought Merlin into a coughing fit, petals erupting from his mouth. As much as he would like to believe otherwise, the proof seemed to be right there. He brought his hands to his face in utter resignation. “I- I can’t,” he cried, curling in on himself. “He- he’s a king, and I’m just a servant, and I’ve been keeping this secret from him all this time and- and he is in love with, not to mention married to Gwen and- I can’t be coughing out flowers every time I’m near him and-” 

“Merlin,” Gaius interrupted, worried that he would break into another coughing fit. “You need to calm down.” 

“Right,” Merlin said, dragging his hands off of his face and drawing in ragged breaths. “Oh, Gaius. What am I going to do?” 

Gaius looked down and continued to read the excerpt from the journal aloud. “It ends when…” he cut off in the middle of his statement, looking up at Merlin, who most certainly wasn't going to like the answer. 

“Gaius, just tell me,” Merlin pleaded. 

“It ends when the beloved returns their romantic feelings or… when the victim dies.” 

Merlin wanted to rip these damn flowers out of his lungs even if he had to reach his own hand down his throat to do it. He felt like throwing up, except he had already done plenty of that already. He was dreading ever talking to, laying eyes on or even thinking about Arthur ever again. He didn’t even know he was in love and already he was dying from it. “There has to be something else.” 

“It can be cured through a magical spell-” Gaius began, when Merlin interrupted him. 

“Great! It’s settled then. I’ll just cure this nasty Hanahaki and be on my way and never think of this event or Arthur ever again.” 

“However,” Gaius continued gently, giving Merlin his shut up for once look. “When the infection is removed, the victim’s romantic feelings for their love disappear along with all their memories of that person.” 

“Gaius, I- I can’t just forget about him, my whole life for these past years was completely centered around him and I’ll forget everything- Morgana, Arthur, Killgara, Emrys, you,” Merlin said desperately, trying to think himself a way- any other way- around this. 

“I think that you should just tell him about it,” Gaius sighed, knowing Merlin wouldn’t like that answer at all. 

“No!” Merlin shouted, covering his mouth when he realized just how loud he was being and the consequences of the volume on his raw throat. The tears that had been accumulating in his eyes finally fell down his face in little streams. “He loves Gwen and- I could never do that to him. There’s- there’s no way he would ever love me back and it would turn out to be a huge mess and I would probably die anyway from rejection but as much as it hurts I can’t just erase years of my life like that. This stupid- I-” 

“Get some rest, Merlin,” Gaius sighed, sitting down on his bed. “It won’t kill you overnight. Tomorrow, I will tell the king that you are gravely ill and we’ll do more research. You can ask the Great Dragon while you’re at it but please just go to sleep, you look terrible.” 

Merlin simply nodded and flopped back onto his pillow, flapping his blanket angrily so that all the flowers would fall to the floor and out of his sight. As Gaius stood to get some rest in his own bed, Merlin couldn’t help but wonder what all the multi-colored petals and blossoms meant.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell at me on my Tumblr @ jellied0ctopus or my convienient sideblog @ cableknitcashmere. I promise I'm thinking of a second chapter.


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